College Admissions: A Family Affair

Many families are surprised at the emotions and conflicts that can arise within the family when a child is applying to college. Perfectly sane parents find themselves reacting in ways that, on the surface, don't seem to make much sense, while their children complain about feeling more pressure from home than from the process of filling out applications. Old family tensions resurface, and new, unexpected ones suddenly emerge. For many families, the process is similar to being on an emotional roller coaster at times.

According to Steven Goodman, an independent college counselor, and Andrea Leiman, a clinical psychologist, there's good reason for the turmoil. The process of applying to and leaving for college is a major milestone for families, marking the student's passage into adulthood and a new role for parents. Yet, while there are thousands of books on applying to college, very few even mention some of the landmines that can unexpectedly crop up as families adjust to this transitional period for families.

In their excellent book, College Admissions TogetherGoodman and Leiman tackle the issue of family dynamics during the college admissions process head-on. They note that parents and students often bring different world views to the table. "What makes the admissions process maddening for many families is the intersection of a teen's incomplete knowledge with his newfound need to be an active decision maker in plans that will affect his future...," they write. "Having greater real-life experiences, however, is only one reason why your worldview will differ from your child's. What makes you comfortable may be completely different from what makes your son or daughter comfortable."

Goodman and Leiman discuss many of the potential pitfalls that can cause families to stumble during the admissions process. Families often have ingrained decision-making styles, and clear lines of authority. As children begin to make tentative choices for themselves, some family members may feel threatened. Parents also face a mix of pride at their child's accomplishments, and anxiety about how their parental role will change as the child steps into adulthood. By recognizing these, and other, issues, and consciously adapting to them, parents can ease the transition for both their child and themselves. "The goal...is to find that balance between you and your child where you can treat one another in an adult, caring, mutually supportive, and respectful manner."

The book is jammed with excellent advice and helpful exercises to help parents reach that goal. For example, Goodman and Leiman suggest a role-reversal exercise to help families begin the college discussion. Each member of the family should independently prepare a list of twenty colleges that might be a fit for the child and another list of college characteristics they think are most desirable. Then, they should meet, exchange and consider each other's lists, and each attempt to defend the other's college positions. "Through the role-reversal, students and parents are forced to see the strengths and weaknesses of their own views and the intensity with which other family members agree or disagree," note Goodman and Leiman.

While the book does discuss some of the steps of the admissions process, the real value of this superb book lies in its discussion of how family communication and decision-making styles can affect the admissions process. It also lays the groundwork for helping parents divide responsibilities during for admissions areas so that the child remains the driver of their application process while the parent serves as a guide.

College Admissions Together is one of the best books on the college admissions process I've come across. Every parent whose child will be applying to college in the next few years will be well-served by reading this book early in the process, and taking its message to heart. It is a book that should be on every parent's college bookshelf.