It's an annual rite of passage. As seniors wrap up their applications, the parents of juniors start ratcheting up their anxiety about getting
their children into college. To kick off the 2008-2009 admissions season for these parents properly, therefore, I thought I'd repeat some advice I gave last year to parents about handling the stress of college admissions. Senior parents waiting out the months to April may also find some pearls to help them cope as well.
Feeling anxious? Stressed? A little teary-eyed? Welcome to the roller coaster ride of watching your child apply to college! Even the calmest parent can expect to say at least one (or all!) of the following statements at some point during the process, but here's some advice on how to make the journey less harrowing.
“My child doesn’t seem interested in looking at colleges.”For the majority of high school students, college is a fuzzy concept. Sure, they know that eventually high school will end, but right now hanging out with friends and studying for next week’s big test are more pressing concerns. If your child isn’t exactly chomping at the bit to hop in the car and take a nationwide tour of college campuses, don’t despair. Start slowly. Buy a few college guidebooks and leave them lying around in conspicuous places. Order a few college videos*, pop some popcorn, and have some fun watching them together. Find out when local college fairs are scheduled, and offer to drive your child and a few of his or her friends. Do a few quick drive-bys of colleges that are located along your vacation route. Keep things low key, and eventually, most kids will start getting interested.
* Good sources of low cost college videos:
Videc.com,
Collegiate Choice Videos, and, increasingly, the colleges themselves.
“My child will be devastated if he doesn’t get into his top choice college.”Disappointment is, unfortunately, often a part of life. While we’d all like to protect our children from disappointment, the most important gift any parent can give to their child during the college application process is a strong faith in their child’s resiliency and ability to cope in the face of disappointing news. Will your child be sad and let down if a thin envelope instead of a fat one shows up in the mailbox? Of course. But, most students recover quickly. If you’ve made it clear from the beginning that, if things do not turn out as planned they will not only survive but thrive somewhere else, they’ll be able to move on faster, and start thriving sooner.
“My child could never be happy at a college that no one has ever heard of.”The name recognition of a particular college actually has almost zero correlation with the chance that any individual student will be happy and successful there. Instead, what matters is the fit between the student’s learning and social styles and the college’s academic and social environment. There are over 2,600 four-year colleges and universities in the U.S., and most people probably can only name a handful of them. Yet, not only are there happy and successful students at every single college, there are dozens of schools where
your child can find a satisfying and happy home. Don’t limit your child’s options by focusing on a nebulous measure like name recognition.
“My child will make the wrong college choice.”It’s very hard to watch our children struggling with such a major decision, and almost impossible not to worry about the outcome. However, ultimately, parents do have to step back and trust their child’s judgment about where to apply and where to attend. The decision, after all, is the first key step into adulthood. Keep in mind that even decisions that don’t work out can be reversed. About a third of students will end up graduating from a college different than the one they started at as freshmen. There is no shame in transferring if the first college your child chooses doesn’t work out.
"My neighbor/boss/relative says that my child is applying to the wrong colleges."We all like assurance that we're headed in the right direction, but try to resist the urge to ask everyone from your co-workers to the mailman about your child's college list. The more opinions thrown in the pot, the less likely it is that you and your child will focus on the only two opinions that really matter: your child's and your own. And, the more people who know about your child's plans, the more you'll worry about the eventual outcome because, let's face it, no one likes to tell people that their child has been rejected. So, when you're asked where your child is applying, just smile, shrug, and say, "Oh, John's interested in several colleges. We'll have to see how it turns out." Then immediately change the subject. Encourage your child to do the same.
“My child is so special and talented that any college will be glad to have her.”When it comes to college admissions, there are no guarantees. Valedictorians, students with perfect SAT scores, and students with special talents sometimes get rejected just like less impressive applicants. Therefore, it’s wise to make a realistic assessment of both your child’s strengths and weaknesses, and help your child develop a well-rounded college list. No one – no matter how perfect or remarkable they may seem – should apply solely to schools that reject 90% or more of applicants!
“My child’s application essay is horrible.”Many parents get squeamish when they read their child’s application essays. After all, they sound so…well, like a 17-year or 18-year old wrote them! And, that’s just the point: Colleges want to read essays that sound like your child, not an adult. So, although it may be hard not to get out your red pen and totally rewrite your child’s essay for them, try to resist. Don’t worry too much about whether the topic they’ve chosen is “right.” As long as the essay is not obscene, easily misinterpreted, or likely to upset a reader, most essay topics work just fine.
“My child has worked so hard. She deserves to get into a top college.”
“My child is so smart. He deserves to get into a top college.”Sorry. There is no such thing as an entitlement when it comes to college admissions. The truth is there are thousands, perhaps millions, of deserving students dashing off applications as we speak. College admissions officers work hard to try to make the best match between their institutions and applicants, but there isn’t room for every applicant, so tough choices must often be made. All students (and parents) can do is apply to a realistic mix of colleges, prepare the best possible application, and let the process work out as it does.
“My child will be rejected everywhere.”While there are occasional stories of top students finding themselves denied everywhere, most students who have developed a thoughtful and realistic list of colleges, and treated each application seriously, end up with solid choices come April. Even if the worst happens, it is not the end of the world. Every spring, there are hundreds of colleges that still have openings for the fall and will take a look at a last minute application or two. And, a gap year can give students a much-needed chance to reassess where they would fit in best, and to re-apply with an even better application.
“My child will never finish his application on time.”Parents have plenty of experience filling in applications for everything from jobs to credit cards. Why, they wonder, is it taking my kid so darned long to fill out his college applications? Most students work at their own speed when it comes to getting a handle on college applications. They may be uncertain how to begin, or they may be temporarily stalled by sheer panic at the monumental task of typing in their social security number. Eventually, most students get down to work and get their applications out on time (granted, sometimes moments before the deadline, but still, on time).
“My child can’t possibly apply to college without my help.”Yes, and no. Most students really do benefit from parental support and guidance as they traverse the rocky road of college applications. However, parents need to be careful that they are
guiding, not
pushing the process. Suggesting colleges to your child, helping your child set up a calendar of application deadlines, and arranging college visits are examples of guiding. Insisting that your child write their college essay
your way, choosing your child's college list yourself, or contacting admissions officers about your child's application, are examples of pushing. Ultimately, this is your child’s first step to adulthood, and you must let them take that first step in their own way, as hard as that may seem at times.
